.

Scars are opening again. The trauma insists in returning. I guess they were never truly healed, or forgotten. They're still with me, in my head, making me overthink all the time. My head keeps playing tricks on me. Suicidal thoughts come and go. Blood runs to my veins but I wish it didn't. I wish I had the courage to spill it totally to the ground. I dream with the floor covered in blood. I picture it in my head. I see myself, in empty glasses and I can't recognize myself. It's like all happiness was simply washed away from my days. It's like I'm empty, and the emptiness is everything that exists beneath my skin. My bones are fragile. I'm fragile. I don't have no clear notion of what I'm doing. The happiness I feel comes in spontaneous moments, and don't last too much. The simple things matter more now than they ever did. It's them who allow this spontaneous moments of happiness, this small breaks from this shitty life. It's them who keep me alive. 

But not all is really bad. I still have some friends. Not many of them but that doesn't matter. They make me happy, sometimes. 

I just wish I knew how to break from all of this pain. The only thing I feel besides rage is pain. Pain sinks in the deepness of my soul. It absorbs every single happy memory, it erases every single piece of happiness that remains inside me. 

I hate myself. For many reasons. But most of them, I'll never understand. 

I should probably try to start again, to erase all of my past. But I can't. I'm to attached to it. I still leave in my childhood house. I still have the same fears. The same desires. But I'm not that person anymore.

I'm no longer happy, or strong. I don't think I ever was. It was a mere illusion. Nothing else besides that.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I should do. 

But I'll probably start by trying to forgive myself. That's all I can do.

I'm wasting time. I don't like that. Although I'm not exactly living, I want to. But at the same time, I don't want to because I feel like I don't deserve do live. So where do I go from where? How do I put behind my back all the trauma, the scars, the pain, all of the bad things that made me come to this point, to my breaking point, to the point when all I consider a answer to my problem is to end it, end everything, end the pain. 

But I shall recover. I don't know how. But I sort of want to. So I'll probably try. And I'll probably fail. 

Well, we'll see.

I guess I hope better days come soon.